Of Nothing and Everything

Just to be honest

2010-09-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

I never talked about this to anyone or even let myself think about it too much. But I do miss being in a relationship. It's been more than a year since I was in one, am thankful to be out of it, but since it's the last relationship I've been in, I kind of refer to it (only in my mind) when I think of the things I miss most about it. I've been surfing the social networking sites and happy to find out that some people I know are hooked up :) However, it got me into thinking, when will I be in a relationship again? I'd like to think it's not a desperate plea or question. I'm wondering. I'm curious.

Here we go again

2010-03-04T05:50:00.000-08:00

I got an email the other day from jade, have not talked about it to anyone. I miss him. I miss talking to him. Am I being unfair to the person im sort of with now if I dont tell him about it? I'm pathetic. Should just forget about him. I'm all better now. Should be better now. I need to move on. Get this over with.

Lost words

2010-02-11T20:26:00.000-08:00

curly.toge.herculot.curlilot.wilab.pwinsesh.sweetie.100 kisses.huuug.wilablot.bochogita.dave.ulyanin.boladas.ikr.

these are words that I have lost and I wish not to find any use for them anymore.

heart of the matter...yep, it's a mushy post

2008-06-11T23:50:00.000-07:00

I heard this song by India Arie (a remake of a Don Henley original) from the sound track of the movie, Sex and the City. Being such a sappy being, it brought tears to my eyes when I heard it for about 6 times in a row...hehe. It is such a sad song but at the same time, it speaks of positivity, of acceptance. I’m in a place right now where I could use some of it. I don’t want to fight against it anymore. I just need to accept it and not question. Which is really hard for me because I tend to question – a lot, but now I’ve proven that sometimes answers do not help, the more I know, the more I get hurt but the less I understand. At times, I just want to move forward and not look back, but my emotions get the better of me. If only possible, I would want to skip this phase in my life and fast forward it to a time when I could (hopefully) just laugh about all of it.

Anyway, here’s the lyrics of the song, hope it’ll shed some light to those who need it. Thanks Marj for looking for it!

Heart of the Matter

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And all the struggles we went through
How I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I've been learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning them again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
And people filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
And the trust and self-assurance that lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the wall they put between us,
You know it doesn't keep us warm

I've been trying to live without you now
But I miss you, baby
The more I know, the less I understand
And all the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my heart is so shattered
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

All the people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down, you know they hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; cause life goes on
You keep carryin' that anger, it'll eat you up inside

I want a happily everafter
And my heart is so shattered
But I know it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh gets weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if you don't love me anymore
Even if you don't love me anymore

Note: This song actually has the privilege to be included to my broken record songs, which is now around 15 songs and counting, which includes songs from Sara Bareilles, Urbandub, Moonstar 88, Leona Lewis, Adele, Maroon 5, Jason Mraz, The Weepies, Mishka Adams, Sheryl Crow and Sting, I play them 24/7 if possible. Hehe

Empty Cup

2008-05-13T00:03:00.000-07:00

We often associate “full” with good things. We say if see a glass as half full, we are always looking on the positive side. If we see it as half empty, we are pessimistic. We even have a saying that it’s good to give because it will return to us “sisksik, liglig at umaapaw”. I am not saying I don’t agree with it, I do. But recently, I learned (from a certain drunken master…hehe) that it’s good to empty your cup. Yes, empty it. And when I think about it, it actually makes sense. I wondered how will we able to know more if we know too much already. If our cup’s already full, how can we accept and know more of the knowledge we need to learn? How can we feel more, if we feel too much? When we are so full of emotions that we can no longer feel the new ones we should feel. How can we have new memories if our cup’s filled with old ones? And yet, we do not want to empty them and replace it with new memories. So yep, I think it’s good to fill our glasses and cups up to its brim but we should not be afraid to empty it once in a while and fill it with different, if not better stuff to drink =)

Uh oh...rice shortage

2008-04-16T19:24:00.000-07:00

The idea of rice shortage is foreign to me, until now. This is so because, 1) I've always known that the Philippines is an agricultural country, 2) rice is our most basic commodity and 3) I really dont want to think about it, because it would be a nightmare for me. Hehe. Like most Filipinos, life would not be the same without rice, even the most delicious dish would not taste as good without it. Sabi ko nga before, when I needed to trim down my rice consumption because of high cholesterol, "Ang lungkot ng buhay pag walang kanin!"

But on a serious note, this rice shortage thing is very alarming. What used to be a Php 30/kilo is now Php38/kilo. Lucky for those who can still afford to buy commercial rice in the market, which is just a fraction of the country's population,but not so fortunate for those who cannot. Like I saw on the news the other night, they had to line up for hours, just to avail of the NFA rice which is P18/kilo. These families sometimes just eat rice alone because that's what they can afford and now, because of this shortage, it's becoming burdensome for them to buy rice as well. It got me into thinking, what has led this agriculutural country suffer from this crisis? Are we so wasteful with what we eat that sometimes we buy so much but we actually cannot finish it, thinking we have so much to spare? Or have we transformed so much of our vast lands from rice fields to malls,commercial places and residential areas, not thinking that soon we won't have anything to cook for our (future) kids. Shouldn't have the government foreseen this happening a few years back and made some preventive measures and not just act on it now that it's smacked right on their faces? These are only a couple of things I could think of but I'm sure there's a lot, lot more.

For me, it is just so frustrating to know that no matter how high growth rates were reported by the government, it cannot mask the fact that most Filipinos feel that they are shrinking instead of growing...

Summer '08

2008-03-23T22:26:00.001-07:00

Fun, fun, fun in Palawan!

Started the summer right! I went to Palawan beginning of March for the first time, took advantage of the 2-day mandatory leave from the office. We were almost late for our flight had we not heard the last call, we would miss it. Therefore, we ended up seated on the last row of the plane, no window seat, sorry Tin :). We got there and started our day with the city tour courtesy of someone we knew from there, for free. We went to the crocodile farm, which also houses bear cats, crocodiles, ostrich, crocodiles, porcupines, crocodiles, different kinds of birds, crocodiles, monkeys, and did I mention, more crocodiles? They actually sell baby crocodiles for Php 3,500.00 each. I forgot to ask the guide why would anybody want to buy one, I’m not sure if they’d make good pets. Hehe. After that, we went to this small butterfly farm there, which is home to the yellow bell butterfly, native to Palawan. It was gorgeous. I am always amazed of the butterflies’ life cycle (incidentally, they would not let you in if you would not watch the video of their life cycle). It took so long for them to become the beautiful creatures that they would be from a cocoon and then once they’ve bloomed to be one, a few days after that, they would die. It is a constant reminder to us that some good things can’t last very long. They would eventually die. Anyway, our next stop was the Iwahig Penal Prison Farm. If San Francisco had Alcatraz, Palawan has Iwahig. The prison is home to three kinds of prisoners, the first one are those allowed to work around the vast farm, make handicrafts and they even sell fresh buko juice to us when we were there, they are allowed to use big bolos to cut the coconut in half so we could eat the meat. And I mean big bolos! They are in the least security. The next ones are the prisoners in medium security and the last ones are at the maximum security, we did not see any of them, they must be locked up in the facility that we were not able to get in. I found this really interesting; I mean the setting of the prison, where prisoners are not cramped up in their small cells, where they not only share beds but also diseases, which is usual for most, if not all of the city jails around the Philippines. Sabi ko nga, “Ang sarap makulong dito sa Iwahig!” Hehe. From there, we went to Baker’s Hill, which is a huge bakery, but is also like a park where there are different kinds of birds and plants. I loved their tuna and chicken pandesal and their bars look delicious and their pastillas were yum, yum, yum! Our last stop in our city tour was Ramon Mitra’s house. It was beautiful, its architecture was unique, with only one big trunk of tree supporting the whole house, it stood on top of a hill and from its porch you have the beautiful view of Puerto Princesa. I learned that the Mitras used to own a huge part of Puerto Princesa and eventually sold parts of it to those who could afford to buy it like their neighbor, who has a mansion by the hills, who we later found out is owned by a retired general. The city day tour has ended, we went back to the hotel, freshen up and got ready for dinner. I loved our dinner. It was at Ka Lui’s. Great food, great place, big serving. I especially love their dessert of fresh fruits in a coconut shell with muscavado sugar. Loved it. You should not miss eating there when you go there.

The next day, our agenda was the underground river. The tour costs Php1,100.00 per person. I must say it was the highlight of my stay there. It was incredible. It was indescribable. The underground river is actually 8kms long, but only 1.5kms was allowed to the public. Beyond that, you have to ask for a special permit to see it. I hope that more Filipinos would see it. It is one of nature’s gift to us that we should be thankful for and must know how to preserve it for more generations to enjoy. Whenever I see these beautiful places that nature has to offer, I am always amazed how great our God is for creating and sharing it to all of us.

Our last day, we spent it island hopping the Honda Bay (tour costs Php 800.00). We went snorkeling and again, it was beautiful. The corals are so beautiful, the kinds of fishes were amazing, and the sand is wondrous. Lunch was great, you cannot believe how cheap the crabs are. I loved every island we went to, starfish, snake and pandan island. For our last night there, we ate at Badjao Seafront Restaurant. The place is by the sea. It is highly recommended for couples, because it has its romantic ambiance. Again, the food was great. The prices are reasonable. For our last night, we opted to take a rest from booze and decided to have coffee and cookies at the café beside our hotel. I must say I enjoyed the coffee more than booze and the cookies are just delicious. I hope I bought a jar home. Hehe. Overall, I loved Palawan and when I go back, I hope to see Coron, the safari in Calauit and El Nido.

Adventure in Boracay!

Two weeks from Palawan, next stop was Boracay with officemates. The reason why I went was either, I’m addicted to the beach, I’m trying to escape reality or I just want to have skin cancer. Hehe. It was my third time on the island, but my first time going there through RORO. And I must say, the trip was an adventure in itself. We were like contenders for Survivor or Amazing Race. It was tiring, time consuming, you should be ready to sit on the floors, sleep on mats or cartons, eat dinner for just 10 mins (winner ako ditto), risk your life with the bus driver’s driving (seryoso!), sleep while sitting, hold your pee for hours, etc. It’s weird, but I actually enjoyed it. I liked the feeling of being tired and looking forward to something as a reward once we get to the island. It made me relish more of every minute I spent on the island. Making sure that all our sacrifices going there was worth it. And because our travel was more than 12 hours (one way), it was guaranteed that before we land on each port, we know a little something about each other. Walang choice, kailangan mag bond. Hehe. There were also things that we would not get to see had we took the plane. We would not see rainbows on every wave in the sea, the beautiful sunset while we were on the boat and the hundreds of colorful jellyfish floating (I know they can be deadly, but they look beautiful from the ship). Never saw so many of them with different colors. Amazing.

When we got to Boracay, we made the most out of the two 3 days and 2 nights we were there. On our first day, we just went beach bumming the whole day, walked the shores of the powdery sand of Boracay, eat ice cream (may FIC sa Boracay, yum!) and waited for the beautiful, amazing, always mesmerizing Boracay sunset. On our second day, (still full from our breakfast) the adventure begins, none of us had tried paraw sailing (Php100 per person/hour), so we did it. We used a sailboat to go island hopping. It was exciting and so much fun. When it was the time to go snorkeling, the waves were really strong and a little scary, especially for me. I had to perform stunts just to get in the boat again (mama rosey, wet lechon stunt, diba? Hehe). As I performed those stunts, I got to take home, mala “ube halaya” bruises on my upper leg and some bruises on my shoulder. When we are all back in our sailboat, we went to puka beach and picked up some shells and corals and tried to spell our names from the corals we got. I got to spell Pet (thanks sa “e” Marj!). It was easy enough. Di na ako umasa that I’ll spell Donna. Hehe. After our seafood lunch, we rested for a while and pursue another adventure – driving an ATV (Php 500.00 per hour/person) to Mt. Luho to witness the beautiful sunset on top of the highest mountain (?) on the island. Driving an ATV was a challenge, the roads are not exactly paved and if you lose control you might fall off a cliff. But getting on top of the mountain, alive and able to take photos of the sunset, was all worth it. Note to Rose: walang gimikan sa taas ng Mt.Luho, now you know. Hehe. After our ATV adventure, we rewarded ourselves with baby back ribs for dinner at Gastoff and a delicious mango and peach crepe from Crepes of St. Michel. After which, we ended our night with tequila sunrise and good music at Bom Bom Bar, swayed back to the hotel and doze off. I actually loved my stay in Boracay the most this year; it made me see the island in a different light by doing things that are new to me. I think, I was successful in fulfilling the reasons why I came -- gave in to my addiction to the beach; for a while, I’ve forgotten reality, and with my skin color, I think I’m near having a skin cancer (joke lang!).

Well, that’s it. That’s my summer, so far. I’m sorry if this entry sounded like a travel guide. But I hope it’ll be helpful if any of you wants to go to either of the two great summer getaway places =)

Broken Record

2008-03-12T22:23:00.000-07:00

I hate this phase in my life where I think every song I hear speaks to me. It makes me feel self-centered, as if the song was written for me. I hate that some of the songs makes me cry, but I love it when they help me lift my spirits up. Just recently, I’ve finally gotten over Urbandub’s Evidence and right now I’m dwelling on Maroon 5’s album, “It Wont Be Soon Before Long”, murdering my ears and my officemates’ ears with two of my favorite songs in the album, Better That We Break and Nothing Lasts Forever. Playing just either of the two the whole day, from 8:30 am to 5:30pm. Talk about torture. Not to mention that when I drive, I only play their album. I think there’s something wrong with me. Acknowledging it though, means I’m not yet hopeless. Hehe.

Leap Day Blast among other things

2008-03-02T18:28:00.000-08:00

Leap Day Blast

Last leap day, February 29, I did not expect that I would have a fun time. Oooops, correction. I did not just have fun. I had a blast! I had no plans of watching a concert last Friday, but a friend got us tickets and so we went together. Good thing, I went. I had so much fun screaming and singing along with the songs and I loved the energy of the crowd, it was contagious. And because of my “influential” friend, we were even escorted to the VIP section, so we were right there in front; we could smell the artist performing…wahehe. I also loved doing what my friend calls “people watching”. I can’t believe there are so many beautiful Filipinos out there, beautiful, beautiful! (although sa akin naman lahat beautiful...hehe) So it made me feel good. Then we had a late comfort food for dinner, simply loved it! To top it all off, we saw Will Devaughn and I swear, he looked at me (but I might be just hallucinating, pwede na din), although, he was with Riza Santos (ayan, shumoshowbiz na ako). Hehehe. But the point is I had fun, good fun, unexpectedly. Big thanks to my friend who took me there and showed me how to have a great time :)

Rear-view Mirror Driving

While I was driving home at around 2 am last Friday (technically Saturday), I noticed I had a rear-view mirror. I’ve been driving for nearly 5 years without one and I just came to appreciate its usefulness to my driving. It’s now easier for me to overtake cars when I’m in SLEX, easier to park backwards, I am more cautious in my driving and most importantly, it made me aware of what the other cars are doing behind me, behind my back. Then, I had this amazing thought, wouldn’t it be neat if people had such things, rear-view mirrors, I mean, built in their bodies or somewhere in our backs or just the ability to see what’s going on behind your back at some distance? I think that would be really great but I admit, it is somewhat impossible and stupid…hehe. But still, I think it would be awesome and it would save us a lot of distress in some of the rough and bumpy roads we have to tread and go through in our lives...

Here comes the sun!

I am anxiously anticipating for summer to come and I have this song that is constantly running through my head, I heard it on a soundtrack from a movie I saw last week and just wanted to share it. It’s an old song but I love it. Have a fun, fun summer everyone!

I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day

I think I can make it now, the pain is gone
All of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is the rainbow I've been prayin' for
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day

Look all around, there's nothin' but blue skies
Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies
I can see clearly now, the rain is gone
I can see all obstacles in my way
Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind
It's gonna be a bright (bright), bright (bright)
Sun shiny day

It was just another chapter

2008-02-25T16:58:00.000-08:00

There was this person that I used to know who said that life is like a book. Each part is divided into chapters and like any other book, these chapters have their endings. I am closing a chapter in my life right now. A chapter that I desperately and stupidly tried not to end for I liked this particular bit in my life. For a while, it made me happy. It wasn’t one with just happiness and laughter that’s why I tried to hold on to it as long as I could, but because it has taught me a lot of things. I learned a lot about myself and the other character in this story. As I go along with this chapter, I discovered both good and bad things about myself, I learned that I can be content with what I have, I learned I am capable of loving selflessly, I was sure I am a good person (at least I tried to be); but I also learned that I can be stubborn and I still have a hard time of expressing myself and how I feel. The other character of the story and I, however, are not on the same page. The character was at stray most of the time, have deliberately chosen to hurt me in ways I can’t imagine possible. I refused to believe what I saw. Because of that, I know I am partly to blame for how this story turned out because I have chosen to start this chapter in my life. I was its co-author. We were in it together. I decided to be a part of it, knowing fully well that the other character was struggling with its own demons. I tried to stay and understand what he's going through. That was apparently, another mistake. For it was another opportunity for him to know how vulnerable I was, thus, another opportunity to hurt me. I was foolish enough to think that this chapter in my life will be the last one I’ll be writing in until I grow old, not knowing that my co-author has started to write a new one - without me. So right now, as I write the final part of this chapter alone, I am saying goodbye to the remnants it has left me. Soon, I will write a new one, hopeful that it will have a better ending than its predecessor. This was just another chapter and I’m done with it. And so, I write again...

Tell me, tell me..

2006-04-05T18:47:00.000-07:00

Tell me please, how can you end something that has never started,
Let go of something you dont have,
Undo something you (technically) did not do,
Unlearn things you have mastered so well,
Apologize for something you feel is right,
Unhurt people who are clueless that they've been miffed,
And make a choice when there is none?

Om Mani Padme Hum

2006-03-29T18:54:00.000-08:00

Om Mani Padme Hum. I love what it means. I have been looking for mantras that I can live by or at least I can utter & try to live by and I came across this tibetan mantra that I really, really can appreciate the meaning. The six syllables are said to be blessed to help people achieve perfection of the following virtues. Although most of us believe that there's no such thing as a perfect person, in Buddhism, it is taught that we all can be buddha and be enlightened, thus this mantra, helps in achieving perfection to these practices. The Dalai Lama condensed the meaning of this mantra into this "Thus the six syllables, Om Mani Padme Hum, mean that in dependence on the practice which is in indivisible union of method and wisdom, you can transform your impure body, speech and mind into the pure body, speech, and mind of a Buddha." I am no expert on this but I just wanna share these very nice practices that even non-buddhists like me can practice in their daily lives.

Om- generosity
Ma- pure ethics
Ni- tolerance & patience
Pad-perseverance
Me - concentration
Hum - Wisdom

Although I am a Catholic, born & raised as one, my family, especially my mom had always been open to other types of religion, we were once part of a born-again christian congregation, and once we did not have any church we belong to. When we were young, we've heard about karma, Buddha, reincarnation, among other things. As a kid, I was already curious about what it means and so I started reading stuff about it, once I can grasp what they mean. It does not hurt as well, that I have an aunt & uncle who practices hinduism, both of them, I dearly love. And eventhough I dont have a crucifix on my room, I have however, a Hindu god, guiding me while Im asleep, given to me by my uncle.

I think what I'm just saying is that, maybe, we should not put God in a box, I think He/She is powerful enough to materialize into different beings to reach out to different cultures in our world. Maybe it's just His way to "fit in" and be "accepted" to billions of people all over. But then again, that is just what I think, you really dont have to agree with me. Hehe =)

So for now, I think I'll be reciting this mantra everytime I can. I may not become a Buddha one day, but I just may become a better person. I think, that's not so bad.

Om Mani Padme Hum

fear no more

2006-03-26T22:18:00.000-08:00

Fear starts to set in. Im leaving my job in 30 days without a sure replacement of a new one and Im starting to feel terrified about it. There are so many bills to settle, so many responsibilities that wont stop coming in even if I have stopped working. What fears me most is the thought of (possibly) getting a new job but then in a few months or so, I would resign again. Where's the stability there? Where is the contentment, fufillment from there? Nada. Zilch. Zero. I dont want that to happen again. I need to do something that would make me feel settled & content. I have prayed about this. I'm leaving it up to God. I know He listens and He has plans for everyone of us. Now, thnking about that, I am not that worried anymore, I know Im in good hands. You are, too.

My favorite sunset

2006-03-21T00:16:00.000-08:00

Currently, this is my favorite sunset because I dont have to go far to see it. I simply have to head home and I would have a glimpse of this beautiful sunset. Yep, every single day. This just made me realize that I don't have to go to far, distant places to see the beauty that this world has to offer. It is everywhere we go. It is all around us. We just don't know where to look. Or sometimes we just get used to our everyday routine that we don't expect to see something like this, because we expect to see these kind of things when we go out of town, on the beach or somewhere else but not in the convenience of our everyday commute. My friend Khrizzy even asked me if I went out of town, because she thinks I took this picture while I was on vacation. I told her I just stopped my car and took pictures from my phone, and people who were passing by were looking at me like I am some crazy nut taking pictures of something nothing out of the ordinary..hehehe.

Anyway, my point is just that beauty is all around us and maybe sometimes, we should slow down or stop at our tracks so we could learn to appreciate them.

Resignation (Again!)

2006-03-20T22:37:00.000-08:00

"It is with deep regret that I tender my formal notice of resignation effective..." I have written this line 3 times in 3 years of my working life. An average of 1 per year. Not bad. Hehe. Yes, once again, I am resigning from my job of 9 months as an IT analyst. This time though, I am resigning without any clear path of what I'm gonna do next. Well, yes more likely I want to get a job soon. But currently, I dont think that I'd be having one soon. This time, however, I need to get a job that is not just a job that pays my expenses monthly, but a job that I would really love & enjoy and would not think of writing another one of those lines above. I am turning 24 this year, I have been working for 3 years and sad to say, I think I am going nowhere. I want to stop myself from becoming a certified whiner. Because really, I know, it wont do me any good. And I dont know to whom should I whine to ( I think I ran out of listening ears..hehe). I think the problem with me is that I do not know what I like to do. I am searching, waiting till lightning strikes me. But alas, it has not come yet. I am tired of waiting.

Waiting is painful; forgetting is painful. But not knowing what to do is the worst kind of suffering.
-Paulo Coehlo, By The River Piedra, I Sat Down and Wept.

Writing this, I want to put the lyrics of one of my favorite songs here( to balance the negativity..hehe). It's beautifully written. It's full of hope and everytime I think that I want this all to be over, I think of the song's lyrics and it makes me want to go on again and wait for that sweet sunshower to come my way...

Sunshower
Chris Cornell (from Great Exepectations OST)

Dark as roses, fine as sand
Feel your healing and your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry

Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections of better days gone by

But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
A feather trail to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
Then into worried nights

But it’s all right
When you’re all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh it’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh it’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
In the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower
And it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today
Are today
It’s all right
All you’ll be you are today
Are today.........

It's one of those (lucid) moments...

2006-02-08T01:38:00.000-08:00

Everyday, we are faced with the reality that life is unfair. I can give you a concrete example. LAst night, I was out with my boyfriend, we ate dinner at a pizza place, had pasta, pizza & drinks. I was totally hungry so I was enjoying food as usual. But then I heard voices outside the restaurant, kids' voices, huddled up in one corner in the parking lot. They are street kids, out there in the night, without the clothes that could protect them from possible rain or the cold evening. There I was, inside a comfy restaurant, fully dressed in my office wear, eating a 500 peso meal. Life could not be more unfair than that. What's sad is it does not only happen in this town and this country. I have been in different places in the Philippines and other countries, but sadly, I am faced with the same situation. Kids starving, kids working day & night, out in the streets. It is downright frustrating and personally, I feel shameful. Shameful, because I sometimes feel I don't care enough, I cant give them the things they need, shameful because sometimes I spend too much, enough that could get them by for a week, I am ashamed that I complain too much about my "miserable" life. But these kids, they can still afford to smile and laugh. I actually have this distinct memory of the face of this little sampaguita girl who approached me one night when I was in a mall. She was all smiles, that innocent smile she had on her face, I bought her sampaguita and on my way home, I was crying. I felt so sad and angry. I am angry at the world, to the girl's parents.. how can they let that little girl work alone in the night, in this world not safe enough even to the well-guarded politicians? In the Philippines alone, 11% out of 38.32M kids (below 18 yrs of age) are engaged in child labor. 28% suffers from severe underweight (age under 5) and 36% are suffering from wasting and stunting. Im sure there are a lot of unreported cases, and these percentages can rise up. According to UNICEF though, the Philippines have been doing well and have progressed a lot over the years on this area. I respect UNICEF a lot, I think it's a great organization, but how can they say such crap? In what definition have they equated Philippines and progress? But deep inside, being a Filipino, I am hoping that they are right and I am wrong, that the Philippines is indeed improving and is really trying to make the lives of these kids a little better. That our country is really trying hard to do something for the betterment of their future. Our country's future.

I am hopeful that someday this will change, that children will be in the streets playing instead of working. That thay would have loving, sensible parents that could provide them food, shelter and education. That there would be enough people around the world who would make sure they are safe and they'd grow up as good persons. I hope I can be one of them. I hope that in a few years or so, I can really do something about it and not just write about it.

What the!?

2006-02-02T22:32:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, things are not really what they seem. And I hate it that I did not realize it sooner than I should have. I let myself be caught off-guard in a no-win situation. And now, I feel like a complete mess, a stupid idiot trapped in a web that I put unto myself.
I hate admitting I made a mistake and that I did not listen to what my friends said about this. I hate it that I made a wrong judgment on this person. I hate feeling guilty for every ______ , ___ _______, ____, ____ ______ & that ___ ____________ __ ___ ____ ______. I hate that I ever got into those things. Everybody’s right. I should have not let it get this far. I had the chance to stop it earlier when I was not yet feeling anything towards this person, but there I was, continuing the so-called friendship we have. And now here I am, lamenting over something that makes me go crazy, obsessing on something that maybe this person does not give a darn about. I hate the inequality of things. I hate not having any right to feel what I feel, say what I want to say & do what I want to do. Because I know it is wrong. Darn wrong. And so what if I think this person feels the same way, I am not part of this person's real world. I am a part of a dream world, a world where one can get the best of both worlds, a world devoid of consequences & risks, a safe world, a world in between, an indecisive & cowardice world. That is where we belong and I regret that I ever set foot in that world. I will step out of it. I am trying to. Believe me, I am. I will make a choice. I will stray away from the safe side and venture into the real world. I know, It'll be sad doing this but, there is no other way out of this pseudo world I have created.

GRANDIOSE is the word!

2006-01-18T20:47:00.000-08:00

There are so many funny things in life that does not make me laugh.It does not necessarily mean that I lack the sense of humor thatcould make me crack up laughing, but sometimes life is not funny anymore.It is crazy and frustrating that sometimes you just wanna leave. And not live it. Really, sometimes it's so difficult to live, existing is no problem but living is a totally different thing altogether.I sometimes feel im not alive anymore, although I wake up involuntarily every single day. It's been awhile since I felt I am really living, thinking about it now, I could not even remember when that was.I talked to my bestfriend awhile ago and she said she feels alive because of her 9 month old relationship with a terrific guy. I am truly happy for her and frankly, quite envious if I were asked. I need something that could make me feel that way. It does not have to be grandiose,like touring the countries i want to visit (but it would probably have the same effect), or becoming the most sought after woman in the world (as if that's possible) or changing how the world works (another impossibilty), it could be as simple as having a job that I would really be proud of because it makes sense and because it makes use of my body & mind or being truly passionate about something, to a cause that I truly believe in. To feel really "awakened" when I get up from bed each morning and to feel exhaustion at the end of the day not because im tired but because I know I've done something worthwile during the day. To be in a certain place where I feel that it is exactly where I want to be and not anywhere else. There, then I would know I am truly living.

Jellybean

2005-12-06T21:56:00.000-08:00

I am finally a mother. I am a mom to a 2 month old baby, who happens to be a furry little thing, that barks rather than baby talk and eats from a stainless plate instead of a feeding bottle. Yes, I am a mother to a bouncing little baby puppy! And I am thoroughly excited about it! it's my first time to have a pet of my own. ALthough we've had lots of pets at home, they have always been family's pet and never Pet's pet. (Pet is my nickname at home). I am excited but at the same time, I am dead nervous, because I may not take care of her the way puppies should be taken cared of (yes, I take his quite seriously..hehe). I read a lot on ways of how to care of dogs on the internet, but somehow, each website have different ideas on the best way of taking care of them. For instance, there was this website that I first visited that says you should never feed dogs "real food", real, meaning food that men consumes, and just stick with commercialized dog food preferably recommended by a vet. But just yesterday, as I surfed the net for more info on taking care of dogs, this one website says that veterinarians are saying that the best dog food is "real food" provided that they are always fresh. So now, I am confused, but I decided that I'd stick with the dog food, since they are easier to prepare (katamaran!) and just give her "real" food as a treat. Oh well, too much about food. Hehe. Anyway, amidst all this confusion, I am nevertheless happy of having her around, as I've said to a friend, it keeps me afloat from the possibility of sinking further into depression.It brings me a sense of joy and a sense of responsibility, knowing that her survival partly depends on me (partly, because she might have hereditary disease that i may not know of, & if she dies because of it, I would not accept blame for that..wahehe). Most importantly, I love having jellybean (her name) because it lets me experience the joy of "motherhood" minus the pain of giving birth..wahehehe.

Sick, sick, sick..

2005-12-01T18:16:00.000-08:00

Talk about slow death. I am now at a flourescent-lit room with only the sound of the phones &the silent hums of the airconditioning units are heard (aka office), ruining my eyesight by staring at my pc for more than 8 hours, waiting for the 15th & 30th of the month (wahehe), and slowly deteriorating my brain for lack of activity that my job entails for it to do. Not to mention, a possible nervous breakdown caused by my sort-of-evil-boss (sort of, because sometimes she's nice, but most of the time she's not). How did I end up in this heavenly state? Lemesee, lemesee. Oh yeah! I spent half my life going to school, absorbing all the things I thought would be useful when I get out of it, spent my dad's money on useless books & unbelievably expensive tuition fees, not to mention my allowance (but it was not such a waste compared to the 1st two..hehe). And voila! Here I am, making my tummy bigger while my brain does the opposite, shrinking to the size of a pea, by sitting all day on my blue office chair, elbows on my beige desk and eyes staring blankly at my desktop computer. How I love my office job (blech!). I really don't want to sound an ungrateful ingrate(redundant,coz my brain cells are diminishing). I know there are a lot of unemployed filipinos, who would gladly like to exchange places with me. But I really, really need to get out of here before I do something drastic that I'll later on regret, like eating too much because I'm depressed or uhmmm..maybe that's it. Seriously though, I hope to get more out of life or more importantly, I want to give something more to this world (not just those taxes I pay monthly, that we all know does not go to where it should). I am terrified at the thought that one day, when my time is up, and when I face my God, and He/She asks me what I have offered Him/Her when I was alive, I could not think of anything to say, except for the few bucks I give at church every Sunday mass (and that's not even much).

Depressed? Turn on your radio and tv

2005-07-19T00:59:00.000-07:00

There are two things that brighten up my day, actually there are three but I'd only be telling two of them. Luckily for me and for the people around me, the first one is in the morning, and the other one is in the evening. So it means that I'd be in a good mood in the morning before going to work and in the evening when I get home. The first one is the Morning Rush with Chico & Delamar, how I love their show. I've been listening to them since I was in high school, so it's been practically a decade. Though I was never an active rusher, I just enjoy listening to them beacuse it makes me laugh even when I'm alone in the car. I remember when they were still fighting and arguing over every little thing and they were still being teased that they have a relationship more than a working one. How the show evolved! Because now they are friends but still it's so much fun. I love their humor and of course Chico's invented words, which are actually tagalog words pronounced in a slang attack manner. Eventhough I only get to listen to them for about forty minutes, it brightens up my day until my first coffee break at 10 am. Hehehe. (just figure out how I am after the morning rush effect wears off..) So in between, until my day at work comes to an end and until the other one that brightens my day happens in the evening, I am such a grouch. No, just kidding. Actually that's where the other thing that perks me up (that I wont be telling) comes in. On with the second one, which is watching Friends rerun, a show that I' ve also been watching since high school, it never fails to make me laugh, even when I've seen the same episode more than 3 times. I still laugh out loud which makes my lola wonder what's tickling my funny bones when I'm alone upstairs. I love Ross of course, and his geeky humor and who would not love Joey, who makes me feel that I'm much smarter than I really am. Hehehe. Of course I envy their life, because they don't seem to work at all and just hang around a coffee shop, but still, they look oh so good and still live in pretty fancy apartments. So there, those are the two things that never fails to make me laugh and takes out the lady-like laugh out of me. Just thought of posting it here, hoping it would give you the same effect.

Brain Talk

2005-07-15T22:02:00.000-07:00

I give up
You win
I lost
In this battle we've been fighting for so long
I give in
You are right
I am wrong
I should have known it all along

And though I have been placed above you
You are undoubtedly more in control
And so I concede,
Lead on
Just please don't give me a chance to tell you
That I told you so.

...

2005-04-09T20:28:00.000-07:00

How you convey a smile each day
Is pure mystery I cannot solve
Although I know if we were together,
Our worlds would not revolve

We live not in distant places
But alas, we cannot convene
For we are owned by others
Who hold us dear

We are mocked by this reality
We are trapped in a dream
And we will be forever uncertain
Of what the future may bring.

perfect getaway

2004-12-02T06:33:00.000-08:00

This is taken in a beach in Batangas, a perfect getaway for people like me
whose life is almost all work, work, work! Aargh..I hope I can stay there
for a whole year and just lay in the sand, sleep in a hammock or just read a book
in one of their cabanas...

...

2004-12-01T21:56:00.000-08:00

In this senseless and irrational state
Refuge is not found
No reasons are concrete
Nothing is accepted
Therefore nothing can be understood
Trapped in a secured world
Lost in the real one
With nowhere to turn to
Not a single place to go
Imprisoned in a wheel,
Turning in its steady movement
With no chance of changing its course..

So, what's the score?

2004-11-26T20:33:00.000-08:00

Life is not about keeping score. It does not matter how many pairs of signature shoes you have, how many people you've kissed and have not kissed, how many dates you've had or not have at all, how many friday nights you went out or just sulked at home, it doesn't matter where you went to school or how high your GPA was when you graduated, doesn't matter how many cars you have or if you don't drive at all, how beautiful or ugly you are. Life is not about that, I realize now. It has always been how you treat people, did you made them smile when you spoke to them or did you just hurt their feelings whenever you speak up? All those things that make us appear look good or even feel good about ourselves does not necessarily make us any better if the people around us, especially those who are dear to us can't even stand our mere presence. People will not always remember how we look like, how many people have we kissed or dated, how many parties we've attended, how well we did in school or how grand our car is, but they will always remember how we made them feel. How much we pained them or how much we made them laugh. How we made them feel stupid or understood. I admit,sometimes it really is so hard to ignore all the fancy stuff life could offer most especially in our days now where the rich and the beautifuls are treated like gods and goddesses and how the media showcases their wealth and beauty. Don't get me wrong, I really have nothing against it. All I'm saying is, whenever we decide to be dolled up or show off our fortune with others let us not forget that it is not main issue in living our lives. I may not be certain or well aware of the other reasons why we are here, but there's one thing I am sure of, we are not here for that alone.

Where has this smile gone to?!

2004-11-19T21:33:00.000-08:00

Me when I was still a hyper active kid.

I hope He calls again...

2004-11-09T22:38:00.000-08:00

It just hit me last night. I was in our cell group, which I started attending just a few weeks ago, listening to the group leader when he said something about "the will of God". That woke me up to my wits and became more attentive to what he has to say about this. It was stupid of me to think that he would tell me His will for me. Hah! I was actually wishing he would just tell me straight because frankly, I don't have a clue. I admire those people who at least has a vague idea of their purpose in life. I often wonder how these few people knew their purposes, while I, stood in the dark. Then last night it hit me. I don't know my purpose because I don't know how to listen and I don't know how to talk to Him. Maybe he's been trying to call my attention all these years and have been wanting to reveal His will for me but then unconsciously, I might have been deaf to His call. And so from now on, I will try to listen and try to talk to Him more. Then maybe soon when I know Him better and when I can finally say that I have a relationship with God, then maybe He'd call on me again and by that time, I may not be as deaf as I was.

I am getting way too holy here, so I must stop now before heaven takes me while I'm still in my pajamas...

Cynic gone mad

2004-11-06T03:24:00.000-08:00

How come that the feeling of loss never leaves you even after such a long time?
But the feeling of happiness and joy, more often than not, evades your senses after its presence has lingered in just a matter of years, months, days, hours or sometimes even just a few seconds. Why do we tend to dwell more on the sorrowful things that happened in our lives but never gave much thought to the ones that have given us a few minutes of laughter and smiles? And mind you, we don’t just do it with our own lives. Whenever we see a movie or read a book, don’t we always remember the worst parts of it? Whether it would be the part where somebody died, lovers separated, friendship betrayed or meteors destroyed earth or aliens invaded it, these would almost always be the climax of the story. These would be the parts of the film or book that would always be remembered. The happy endings, you ask? We would say they are not realistic. It would be better if somebody dies, lovers are not reunited, friendships are not mended and earth is crushed into crumbles.
Have we become more cynical than Jessica Zafra that we cannot stay happy for a long time? Longer than a few minutes, perhaps?
I ask these questions because I don’t have the answers to them. I myself am guilty of this. I am not really the most cheerful person you’d meet. I have always been pessimistic about life because I think that it is easier to imagine the worst thing that could happen, so when it finally happens, it would not be so much of a devastation, at least not too much. But there are also drawbacks to this kind of thinking, because we leave no room for good dreams or great expectations and therefore we don’t give much effort to achieve such results. Could it be that we tend to reside in our sorrowful thoughts because we feel safer in it than in our own “happy place”? Our sad thoughts and experiences serve us as shields in our lives in a sense that if we would always settle in those experiences and then something bad happens yet again, we would be in a constant emotion—misery. But if we are elated in a happy thought all the time, and then something bad happens, we would be too shattered. It would be difficult to shift our emotional gear from happiness to sadness. And we don’t want that, do we? But we don’t have to shift gears if we don’t want to. Plus, if you were a good driver it wouldn’t be so much of a hassle to shift back gears, would it? Happiness is a state of mind, we can choose to be happy wherever, whenever, whatever. It is just a matter of choosing whether to have a good day or not. We decide on our happiness.

And so I say, let’s all be happy to all happy-endings we'll be witnessing in this lifetime, no matter how sappy it is.
(soap fans are with me on this...hahaha)